Triple Threat
When we got pregnant with Nora we had tried for almost a year. When we got pregnant with Hazel we were surprised, and it was unplanned. But this pregnancy we rolled the dice and said we'd see what happened, and the Tuesday before Mother's Day I told Chris we were pregnant with baby number three.
With Nora and Hazel, we told family and close friends we were pregnant pretty early and made their pregnancies known around 12 weeks, but for some reason with this baby it's felt right to wait a little longer. We're not planning on any more pregnancies so maybe there's been a part of me that wants to savor it, to hold it close a little longer. After all, pregnancy is the only time you don't have to share your little bundle with anyone else. It's just yours for 40 weeks, tucked safe inside, able to go with you wherever you go. A sweet, little secret that no one has to know about for those first few weeks. And this is our third pregnancy...who has time between work and laundry and chasing two girls around to make a cute announcement?
So here we are, 21 weeks into a pregnancy, and honestly I can't believe how the time has flown. Maybe that's because it's my third pregnancy, and I'm not hanging on every minute like I did with my first pregnancy or maybe it's the season of life we're in. Who knows? But I know I feel so settled with the idea of this baby, that she simply feels like the completion of us.
And yes, it's a she. We found out this week we're having a girl. Not "another" girl, but a baby girl who is an individual, who will fill a unique role in our family, and who the world needs. No, we didn't try for a boy and we're not going to, I don't want to hear about how many weddings we'll be responsible for, and please don't say "poor Chris" because he doesn't feel deprived or less than when it comes to being the dad of three girls. I hate that I sound so defensive, but sometimes word vomit just falls out of people's mouths and they don't mean to be hurtful but they are.
On Tuesday, I had my ultrasound and had them write the gender in an envelope. Later, the girls and I went to the grocery store and had them fill a box with balloons based on what was in the envelope, and then when Chris got home we opened the box all together. It was fun and exciting and we had ice cream sandwiches to celebrate. But when that box open and I saw pink balloons, I felt so surprised. I felt, even from the very beginning, that this baby was a boy. I was referring to the baby as a "he" and was convinced it wasn't a girl. I've had to readjust my thinking and almost let go of the idea of having a biological son. I'm bummed that we'll miss out on some of the experiences of having a boy, but I know that as soon as she gets here all that will dissipate and she'll feel like home.
When I was tucking Nora in that night of finding out the gender, I asked her how she felt about having a baby sister. She had been saying all evening she was excited, but I had a feeling she wasn't really slowing down long enough to process her feelings. As we cuddled up and started talking, she told me "I wanted a brother. I prayed and I prayed for a brother." Oh man, it broke my heart because she was so genuine. I could sense the longing in her voice, and I could empathize. She has moments of being excited and will talk about the things she'll do to help when the baby's born, and we bought a floral baby blanket, which she was excited to help pick out. But then she'll mention that she wanted a brother and doesn't God know she wanted a brother.
And maybe that's how I'm feeling too on and off. Excited, knowing three girls will be precious and fun and so special, but also didn't God know we had something else in mind? It's been a reminder for me that God truly does know what's best for us even if it's not how we would have mapped things out for ourselves, that sometimes we have to first let go of our own plans and ideas and desires to grab hold of something better, something more rich. Letting go is hard and it doesn't always come easy for us, but I think there's something so freeing about the idea of letting go to free fall into the reality that we don't have to control everything. That some things unfold on their own and just as they should. That even when life doesn't take the turns that you thought it would, that those turns can reveal a beautiful scenery that you couldn't have imagined no matter how hard you tried.
You know, I thought we needed a boy, but Chris said something weeks ago that I hope I never forget. He said, "maybe having girls will be our thing." And I think it will be. I think these three girls are going to be the sweetest of friends, power houses and spreaders of light and goodness and kindness in a world that's dark with selfishness and too many opinions. This world has enough evil and destruction and sadness, and I hope and pray these girls will combat that with how they live their lives. I'm excited for "another" girl, and I can't wait to see how our little family will change and adjust and morph to this new, tiny human that will grace us with her presence come mid January.
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| Sorry if that last pregnancy test aggravates your OCD because it does mine😂 |
With Nora and Hazel, we told family and close friends we were pregnant pretty early and made their pregnancies known around 12 weeks, but for some reason with this baby it's felt right to wait a little longer. We're not planning on any more pregnancies so maybe there's been a part of me that wants to savor it, to hold it close a little longer. After all, pregnancy is the only time you don't have to share your little bundle with anyone else. It's just yours for 40 weeks, tucked safe inside, able to go with you wherever you go. A sweet, little secret that no one has to know about for those first few weeks. And this is our third pregnancy...who has time between work and laundry and chasing two girls around to make a cute announcement?
So here we are, 21 weeks into a pregnancy, and honestly I can't believe how the time has flown. Maybe that's because it's my third pregnancy, and I'm not hanging on every minute like I did with my first pregnancy or maybe it's the season of life we're in. Who knows? But I know I feel so settled with the idea of this baby, that she simply feels like the completion of us.
And yes, it's a she. We found out this week we're having a girl. Not "another" girl, but a baby girl who is an individual, who will fill a unique role in our family, and who the world needs. No, we didn't try for a boy and we're not going to, I don't want to hear about how many weddings we'll be responsible for, and please don't say "poor Chris" because he doesn't feel deprived or less than when it comes to being the dad of three girls. I hate that I sound so defensive, but sometimes word vomit just falls out of people's mouths and they don't mean to be hurtful but they are.
On Tuesday, I had my ultrasound and had them write the gender in an envelope. Later, the girls and I went to the grocery store and had them fill a box with balloons based on what was in the envelope, and then when Chris got home we opened the box all together. It was fun and exciting and we had ice cream sandwiches to celebrate. But when that box open and I saw pink balloons, I felt so surprised. I felt, even from the very beginning, that this baby was a boy. I was referring to the baby as a "he" and was convinced it wasn't a girl. I've had to readjust my thinking and almost let go of the idea of having a biological son. I'm bummed that we'll miss out on some of the experiences of having a boy, but I know that as soon as she gets here all that will dissipate and she'll feel like home.
When I was tucking Nora in that night of finding out the gender, I asked her how she felt about having a baby sister. She had been saying all evening she was excited, but I had a feeling she wasn't really slowing down long enough to process her feelings. As we cuddled up and started talking, she told me "I wanted a brother. I prayed and I prayed for a brother." Oh man, it broke my heart because she was so genuine. I could sense the longing in her voice, and I could empathize. She has moments of being excited and will talk about the things she'll do to help when the baby's born, and we bought a floral baby blanket, which she was excited to help pick out. But then she'll mention that she wanted a brother and doesn't God know she wanted a brother.
And maybe that's how I'm feeling too on and off. Excited, knowing three girls will be precious and fun and so special, but also didn't God know we had something else in mind? It's been a reminder for me that God truly does know what's best for us even if it's not how we would have mapped things out for ourselves, that sometimes we have to first let go of our own plans and ideas and desires to grab hold of something better, something more rich. Letting go is hard and it doesn't always come easy for us, but I think there's something so freeing about the idea of letting go to free fall into the reality that we don't have to control everything. That some things unfold on their own and just as they should. That even when life doesn't take the turns that you thought it would, that those turns can reveal a beautiful scenery that you couldn't have imagined no matter how hard you tried.
You know, I thought we needed a boy, but Chris said something weeks ago that I hope I never forget. He said, "maybe having girls will be our thing." And I think it will be. I think these three girls are going to be the sweetest of friends, power houses and spreaders of light and goodness and kindness in a world that's dark with selfishness and too many opinions. This world has enough evil and destruction and sadness, and I hope and pray these girls will combat that with how they live their lives. I'm excited for "another" girl, and I can't wait to see how our little family will change and adjust and morph to this new, tiny human that will grace us with her presence come mid January.
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