On Being Lonely.

Do you know that there are almost 7.5 billion people on earth? I can't even fathom that number, and that many people existing on one planet is overwhelming even in thought. We constantly bump shoulders with people in the grocery store, share crowded highways and roads with other drivers, and there's a frantic rush to build enough housing to accommodate for consistent growth. We are rarely alone unless we are tucked away in our own little corners of the world, our bedrooms or cars or a secluded spot outside. But despite that, I think loneliness is something we can and do experience during various seasons of our lives.

I had breakfast with a friend a few weeks ago, and in parting she made the comment that she's a lonely person. She's single, lives alone, and has limited family and only a small handful of close friends. The comment struck me, and it almost made me feel guilty although I know that wasn't the intention. We parted ways, and I immediately felt deeply grateful that I had found my person in this life, a guarantee of sorts that I wouldn't be lonely.

I usually try to have some things marked out on my calendar at the beginning of my week. Play dates, trips to the Y, my dreaded grocery store run. It helps give me things to look forward to, and it helps us get out of the house because heaven knows if I had enough snacks I could hold up in my house for weeks without coming out for air. Yesterday though I didn't have anything on the docket. I tried to initiate a coffee date with a group of ladies, but it was too last minute and no one was available. So that left the girls and me to our PJ's for most of the day. At first that thought was appealing, but it didn't take long for a realization of loneliness to set in. I started missing specific friends, mainly in Colorado, who know me more genuinely than anyone. People who we did life with and were real with- the good, bad, and the ugly. My heart just ached, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that none of us are immune to loneliness.

I thought about finishing up a painting project that I started last week (although I'm sure at this point I'd need a fresh roller and brush since they've been sitting in a pan of paint for dayyyssss), or cleaning my embarrassingly dirty bathroom, or cleaning out and organizing the office. And although all of these choices I gave myself seemed like so much fun, I was aware of the fact that I wouldn't be mending my loneliness, I'd only be distracting my self from it. Maybe that's what I do all week long with activities I plan- just keep myself busy so I don't feel feelings. I don't think I do it intentionally, and to be honest I don't think it's the worst thing in the world, but when I finally had an open day my emotions caught up with me and there was no way around them.

I thought a lot about the concept of loneliness and realized that most of us probably feel lonely in some capacity. Again, we're surrounded by people, even friends and spouses, and yet our hearts can still feel the twinge and heaviness of loneliness. When Chris got home, bless his heart, he listened while I processed my feelings, and I mentioned that maybe we hit the jack pot during college. Maybe you never get that sense of community in the real world where people are busy and always have something to do, some place to be. Maybe the world moves too fast or maybe people don't have the space in their lives for genuine friendships. Or maybe I'm at fault for not letting myself be vulnerable and open enough in the friendships that I do have. Or maybe we're supposed to be lonely sometimes. Perhaps there's value in loneliness. Today, I couldn't tell you what that value is because it's still too fresh and raw, and I still feel pretty alone in some sense. But oddly I do find some comfort in the thought that loneliness is universal. Not in the "misery loves company" kind of way, but in the "we're all human and have hard days and are vulnerable to pain and struggle" kind of way. Because that makes us all tender and raw and maybe that loneliness is supposed to point each of us in a specific direction that'll benefit ourselves or others in one way or another.

I think it can be easy to read something like this and feel guilty or be tempted to fix it. Someone feels lonely so of course the solution must be to text more or initiate more time together or to reach out more. But that's missing the point, and that's not what I'm hinting at. I really believe in solving our own problems and changing the things in our lives that we don't like, but somehow this feels different to me. I don't see the solution in socializing more or keeping myself busy. I think, for me, in this season, maybe it's about learning to live in the discomfort of being lonely. Or realizing that loneliness is more normal than we care to admit. That it's okay to be lonely as long as we aren't drowning in that place or isolating ourselves in a dangerous way. Maybe it's possible to be immersed in community and be lonely at the same time. I think there's value in the quiet, in the alone-ness, and I think we often miss it because we're running around adding to the chaos and the noise.

Maybe once we get over the initial hurdle of loneliness, we can find some peace in it. And connect with others in that place. I think it gives us an opportunity to connect and join hands in a tough season without feeling the pressure to rescue someone else from it. Because we really can't rescue each other anyway.