Incompletes, Not Being Good Enough, and Sweatpants
Lately my heart has been stirring and my mind has been processing. I've wanted to write, needed to write to empty out some thoughts, but I haven't been able to complete a theme. Maybe that's a reflection of my life right now- that I'm somewhere in the middle of all these lessons, all these thoughts, all these growing pains, and I haven't wrapped anything up in a while.
Life is truly more about the process of things than the completion of them, which can sometimes be tough for someone like me who loves checking things off a to do list. I love feeling productive and on top of things, and having my ducks in a row makes me feel in control and if I'm being honest gives me a sense of pride and self worth. Listen, it's not a bad thing to be organized and productive, but when our self worth is wrapped up in what we do rather than who we are it can make a mess of things.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about my job as a nurse, and my life as a mom. I could list a million things in each category that I fall short in, that make me feel inadequate, that make me want to quit my job and my life, that simply discourage me from even wanting to try. It's hard to feel like you're spinning your wheels yet you're so far away from where you want to be. I have these visions and ideas and dreams of who I want to be and of what I want to do in this world before I leave it, but then I find myself in my sweat pants eating brownies for lunch, realizing I can't remember the last time I took a shower. Goals, am I right?
Earlier this week I had my annual evaluation with my unit manager. I was not looking forward to being critiqued or picked apart, and I was dreading once again feeling like I wasn't enough. I got myself dressed (because unfortunately sweat pants aren't really appropriate for work meetings), and I gave myself a pep talk before the meeting. I reminded myself that although my boss' feedback was important and relevant, it didn't define me. The meeting, to my anxious surprise, went really well. She had some good feedback, some positive affirmation, and valuable insight. During the eval she mentioned, "it seems like you're getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable." I felt like the world slowed down for a few seconds as I absorbed this concept and how it applied to my job but also to my life as a whole. It shined a light on the reality that life is messy; it's uncomfortable and so often it can't be organized in a tidy to do list. Life is uncomfortable because it's full of incompletes and open processes that may never be wrapped up with a tidy bow by the time we leave earth. That's hard to accept, and it's hard to live in that tension. At least it is for me.
I want to be the perfect nurse. I'd love to never pass on any tasks to the next shift, I'd love to form emotional connections and meet all the needs of all my patients, I'd love to never display any stress or frustration at work, I'd love to adapt to change quicker and more efficiently. But I'm human, and life is messy and sometimes (most of the time) a shift can't be wrapped up with a pretty bow. I want to be the perfect mom. I wished I didn't raise my voice at Nora, I wished I didn't feed her chicken nuggets and french fries as often as I do, I wish I did a better job of letting her help me with things, I wish she didn't tell me to get off my phone during our play time (that sometimes feels like 100 years when it's literally been 3 minutes). But I'm not perfect, and sometimes (a lot of the time) being a mom is messy and it forces you to deal with the selfish parts of your heart.
I guess I'm learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I'm learning to live in the tension of being refined as a person instead of just trying to get it over with. I'm not a perfect mom and none of us will ever be, but I'm learning that Nora and Hazel don't need perfection. They need an honest and genuine mom that can admit when she's wrong and teach them how to navigate through imperfection and a messy life (and house). I'm not the perfect employee, but maybe what's needed in the work place is someone who can take responsibility for their imperfections and be empathetic and gracious towards others when they don't make the mark either.
We are all broken. Take a look around; our world is coming off its hinges in every possible way. The truth of our messiness can't stay swept under the rug because the reality of things usually has a way of making itself apparent. Perfection simply isn't a reality no matter how hard we strive to put on the facade. We all have on sweat pants in our hearts. When we strive for perfection in any area, we're missing the point. All these cheesy quotes that emphasis the journey rather than the destination might be on to something. Maybe we should stop spinning our wheels trying to be perfect, productive, good enough, or fill in the blank and be a little more comfortable with the process of messy. Relationships, family, work/life balance, healthy eating and exercise, how to have a relationship with your spouse when your kids are like cling-ons (is that just me?)...all of these things plus a billion others point out our imperfections and remind us we aren't good enough. But somehow that's okay because we don't have to be. We were never expected to be perfect, and truly we weren't made to be. It's not the goal, and it never was. I'm thankful for grace in the midst of the process because the process is uncomfortable. Grace in the midst of the mess helps me breathe, knowing there's a buffer. For me, that buffer is Jesus. Weird to some I know, but Jesus stands in the gap between perfection and the reality of our mess. I feel freedom from the obligations of perfection because He doesn't expect perfection from me.
On days when I feel like I suck, that I'm not contributing anything good to the world or my family or the people I encounter at work, when I feel so discouraged by the gap between who I am and who I want to be, I'm trying to be better about looking behind me to see how far I've come. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not just tirelessly spinning my wheels in vain, but I have made progress, that I have moved forward (most of the time), and that I'm headed in a good direction (obviously wearing sweatpants). Grace for myself and for others. That's what I need, that's what we all need because it helps soothe our spirits when we're in the middle of being uncomfortable.
Life is truly more about the process of things than the completion of them, which can sometimes be tough for someone like me who loves checking things off a to do list. I love feeling productive and on top of things, and having my ducks in a row makes me feel in control and if I'm being honest gives me a sense of pride and self worth. Listen, it's not a bad thing to be organized and productive, but when our self worth is wrapped up in what we do rather than who we are it can make a mess of things.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about my job as a nurse, and my life as a mom. I could list a million things in each category that I fall short in, that make me feel inadequate, that make me want to quit my job and my life, that simply discourage me from even wanting to try. It's hard to feel like you're spinning your wheels yet you're so far away from where you want to be. I have these visions and ideas and dreams of who I want to be and of what I want to do in this world before I leave it, but then I find myself in my sweat pants eating brownies for lunch, realizing I can't remember the last time I took a shower. Goals, am I right?
Earlier this week I had my annual evaluation with my unit manager. I was not looking forward to being critiqued or picked apart, and I was dreading once again feeling like I wasn't enough. I got myself dressed (because unfortunately sweat pants aren't really appropriate for work meetings), and I gave myself a pep talk before the meeting. I reminded myself that although my boss' feedback was important and relevant, it didn't define me. The meeting, to my anxious surprise, went really well. She had some good feedback, some positive affirmation, and valuable insight. During the eval she mentioned, "it seems like you're getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable." I felt like the world slowed down for a few seconds as I absorbed this concept and how it applied to my job but also to my life as a whole. It shined a light on the reality that life is messy; it's uncomfortable and so often it can't be organized in a tidy to do list. Life is uncomfortable because it's full of incompletes and open processes that may never be wrapped up with a tidy bow by the time we leave earth. That's hard to accept, and it's hard to live in that tension. At least it is for me.
I want to be the perfect nurse. I'd love to never pass on any tasks to the next shift, I'd love to form emotional connections and meet all the needs of all my patients, I'd love to never display any stress or frustration at work, I'd love to adapt to change quicker and more efficiently. But I'm human, and life is messy and sometimes (most of the time) a shift can't be wrapped up with a pretty bow. I want to be the perfect mom. I wished I didn't raise my voice at Nora, I wished I didn't feed her chicken nuggets and french fries as often as I do, I wish I did a better job of letting her help me with things, I wish she didn't tell me to get off my phone during our play time (that sometimes feels like 100 years when it's literally been 3 minutes). But I'm not perfect, and sometimes (a lot of the time) being a mom is messy and it forces you to deal with the selfish parts of your heart.
I guess I'm learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I'm learning to live in the tension of being refined as a person instead of just trying to get it over with. I'm not a perfect mom and none of us will ever be, but I'm learning that Nora and Hazel don't need perfection. They need an honest and genuine mom that can admit when she's wrong and teach them how to navigate through imperfection and a messy life (and house). I'm not the perfect employee, but maybe what's needed in the work place is someone who can take responsibility for their imperfections and be empathetic and gracious towards others when they don't make the mark either.
We are all broken. Take a look around; our world is coming off its hinges in every possible way. The truth of our messiness can't stay swept under the rug because the reality of things usually has a way of making itself apparent. Perfection simply isn't a reality no matter how hard we strive to put on the facade. We all have on sweat pants in our hearts. When we strive for perfection in any area, we're missing the point. All these cheesy quotes that emphasis the journey rather than the destination might be on to something. Maybe we should stop spinning our wheels trying to be perfect, productive, good enough, or fill in the blank and be a little more comfortable with the process of messy. Relationships, family, work/life balance, healthy eating and exercise, how to have a relationship with your spouse when your kids are like cling-ons (is that just me?)...all of these things plus a billion others point out our imperfections and remind us we aren't good enough. But somehow that's okay because we don't have to be. We were never expected to be perfect, and truly we weren't made to be. It's not the goal, and it never was. I'm thankful for grace in the midst of the process because the process is uncomfortable. Grace in the midst of the mess helps me breathe, knowing there's a buffer. For me, that buffer is Jesus. Weird to some I know, but Jesus stands in the gap between perfection and the reality of our mess. I feel freedom from the obligations of perfection because He doesn't expect perfection from me.
On days when I feel like I suck, that I'm not contributing anything good to the world or my family or the people I encounter at work, when I feel so discouraged by the gap between who I am and who I want to be, I'm trying to be better about looking behind me to see how far I've come. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not just tirelessly spinning my wheels in vain, but I have made progress, that I have moved forward (most of the time), and that I'm headed in a good direction (obviously wearing sweatpants). Grace for myself and for others. That's what I need, that's what we all need because it helps soothe our spirits when we're in the middle of being uncomfortable.
And sometimes these little lovies all sleep at the same time and let me write my heart out.
Well all you can do is all you can do. I'm a shining example of an imperfect parent.
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