Self Care, A-Holes, and Christmas
Whew. 'Tis the season for running around like crazy people to complete shopping lists and last minute details, am I right? If we're not careful Christmas can consume us and squelch the warm fuzzies faster than a toddler can spill a cup of milk with no lid. This year I've worked really hard to minimize the clutter, busyness, and madness of the season, and my spirit is so much more receptive to what Christmas means. But to be genuine, it's always hard to find a quiet sliver of time to take care of myself and center myself. This season hasn't been busy because of the holidays but more so because of the juggling act of being a working mom. Nora has needed a lot of extra support lately with my job change, and most of my extra time is spent coloring, reading, and watching cartoons. But this glorious morning she had Mother's Day Out and I had the day off so I packed up some books and my journal and went to our favorite coffee shop after I dropped her off.
Self care has been a thing of the past lately. Unless you count the naps I steal when Nora is napping, but those seem more like survival (for myself and everyone else). I know self care and time away have to be intentional, but sometimes it's just not there to take. Sometimes when you're prioritizing what has to be done and how to meet everyone else's needs, getting a quiet minute to yourself doesn't make the list. But not today. Today was glorious. I ordered my favorite coffee, opened up my Advent devotional, I reflected and wrote in my journal, I read my Bible and did a quick personal devotional, and worked on my "1,000 things I'm thankful for list" (which should be finished by the end of the year, but seeing as how I only have around 600 to date, the task might roll over into 2016). I left feeling centered and calm and refreshed. As I walked to the car in the sunshine and sweet breeze, I confessed to the Lord that sometimes leaving these quiet times is hard because stepping back in reality sucks me away from the peace and calm I had just obtained. It's hard to stay centered in a world that screams that there's always another task to complete, another deadline to meet, or someone else who needs something from you. But I was determined to hold my ground and stand in the greatness of the morning.
As I climbed into the truck, I noticed that it seemed like there wasn't adequate space to back out of my parking space. Someone was waiting for my spot so I tried to hurry, but I quickly realized this wasn't going to work. I re-parked, got out of the truck, and saw that another person created their own parking space thus making it a super tight squeeze for me to leave my spot at all. I was stuck. Awesome. I called Chris, knowing there wasn't much he could do, and as soon as he picked up I blurted out that some @$$ hole had parked illegally, and I couldn't leave the parking lot. Wow. That was fast. One minute I feel so connected to God and all the personal growth I've had over the last year, and the next I'm calling someone I don't even know an @$$ hole because they made my day a little bit more challenging. How's that personal growth working for me?
In a moment I felt defeated. Not necessarily because I used profanity but because it was a clear reminder of my flesh. Yuck. How fast I'm drawn back to myself and my own selfishness. Oh to see the beauty of humility, and to have the realization that I'm still growing and figuring this life out. I'm so far from perfection, but sadly enough I forget that all too easily. In these moments when I see the gross parts of my heart, it makes me deeply thankful for the season of Christmas. A time where we realize that we need saving because even when we try to be at our very best, we still have ugly parts of us that ooze out. I'm thankful that Christmas shines a light on redemption and a pivotal piece of the puzzle of life. Jesus stepping down to be a perfect sacrifice for us because God knew we couldn't save ourselves, even when we think we're good enough.
I'm a firm believer in being genuine even when life is a "you know what" show. It does no one any good to pretend that we have it all together because no one does. Some people do a spectacular job at pretending all their ducks are in a row, but I just don't have the energy for that. Geeze. I don't even have the energy to put real pants on half the time. Being real opens us up to living life with others in real and authentic ways. Christmas, in its magic and sentiment, sometimes tries to put a cover over the real parts of our life; the parts that are gross but real. It tries to paint a pretty picture of what is sometimes complete sadness, brokenness, or desperation. The broken and ugly parts of our lives don't disappear because it's Christmas, but instead the light of Something greater is emphasized at Christmas time.
I think for a long time Christmas was a reminder for me that all my ducks weren't in a row, and that the people I loved the most had ducks running all over the place. I resented that Christmas couldn't throw a big enough blanket over the ugliness that was circulating around my life, but I'm coming to realize that what I wanted wasn't what I needed. I wanted to mask all the brokenness, to hide it from others and from myself. But I needed God to bring redemption and healing. It does us no good to cover up our messes, but what an experience to invite God into them. Christmas, at it's true core, isn't about covering up our messes. It's about God reaching down to us in spite of our messes because He knows our realities and He knows we need Him.
Forgive me if my thoughts are jumbled or if I have too many themes and thoughts running through this post. But for the first time since I can remember Christmas doesn't seem so horrible. It doesn't seem as painful or something I can't wait to be over. This year it seems beautiful. Not because brokenness isn't there and not because all my ducks are in a row, but because this year I can more clearly see how God's hand so tenderly reaches down to me and somehow it takes the attention off the wounded and ugly places. I'm overwhelmed with goodness and light and grace and beauty. Jesus changes things. I can't explain it, but He does. And it's one of the most beautiful things that I've experienced.
Self care has been a thing of the past lately. Unless you count the naps I steal when Nora is napping, but those seem more like survival (for myself and everyone else). I know self care and time away have to be intentional, but sometimes it's just not there to take. Sometimes when you're prioritizing what has to be done and how to meet everyone else's needs, getting a quiet minute to yourself doesn't make the list. But not today. Today was glorious. I ordered my favorite coffee, opened up my Advent devotional, I reflected and wrote in my journal, I read my Bible and did a quick personal devotional, and worked on my "1,000 things I'm thankful for list" (which should be finished by the end of the year, but seeing as how I only have around 600 to date, the task might roll over into 2016). I left feeling centered and calm and refreshed. As I walked to the car in the sunshine and sweet breeze, I confessed to the Lord that sometimes leaving these quiet times is hard because stepping back in reality sucks me away from the peace and calm I had just obtained. It's hard to stay centered in a world that screams that there's always another task to complete, another deadline to meet, or someone else who needs something from you. But I was determined to hold my ground and stand in the greatness of the morning.
As I climbed into the truck, I noticed that it seemed like there wasn't adequate space to back out of my parking space. Someone was waiting for my spot so I tried to hurry, but I quickly realized this wasn't going to work. I re-parked, got out of the truck, and saw that another person created their own parking space thus making it a super tight squeeze for me to leave my spot at all. I was stuck. Awesome. I called Chris, knowing there wasn't much he could do, and as soon as he picked up I blurted out that some @$$ hole had parked illegally, and I couldn't leave the parking lot. Wow. That was fast. One minute I feel so connected to God and all the personal growth I've had over the last year, and the next I'm calling someone I don't even know an @$$ hole because they made my day a little bit more challenging. How's that personal growth working for me?
In a moment I felt defeated. Not necessarily because I used profanity but because it was a clear reminder of my flesh. Yuck. How fast I'm drawn back to myself and my own selfishness. Oh to see the beauty of humility, and to have the realization that I'm still growing and figuring this life out. I'm so far from perfection, but sadly enough I forget that all too easily. In these moments when I see the gross parts of my heart, it makes me deeply thankful for the season of Christmas. A time where we realize that we need saving because even when we try to be at our very best, we still have ugly parts of us that ooze out. I'm thankful that Christmas shines a light on redemption and a pivotal piece of the puzzle of life. Jesus stepping down to be a perfect sacrifice for us because God knew we couldn't save ourselves, even when we think we're good enough.
I'm a firm believer in being genuine even when life is a "you know what" show. It does no one any good to pretend that we have it all together because no one does. Some people do a spectacular job at pretending all their ducks are in a row, but I just don't have the energy for that. Geeze. I don't even have the energy to put real pants on half the time. Being real opens us up to living life with others in real and authentic ways. Christmas, in its magic and sentiment, sometimes tries to put a cover over the real parts of our life; the parts that are gross but real. It tries to paint a pretty picture of what is sometimes complete sadness, brokenness, or desperation. The broken and ugly parts of our lives don't disappear because it's Christmas, but instead the light of Something greater is emphasized at Christmas time.
I think for a long time Christmas was a reminder for me that all my ducks weren't in a row, and that the people I loved the most had ducks running all over the place. I resented that Christmas couldn't throw a big enough blanket over the ugliness that was circulating around my life, but I'm coming to realize that what I wanted wasn't what I needed. I wanted to mask all the brokenness, to hide it from others and from myself. But I needed God to bring redemption and healing. It does us no good to cover up our messes, but what an experience to invite God into them. Christmas, at it's true core, isn't about covering up our messes. It's about God reaching down to us in spite of our messes because He knows our realities and He knows we need Him.
Forgive me if my thoughts are jumbled or if I have too many themes and thoughts running through this post. But for the first time since I can remember Christmas doesn't seem so horrible. It doesn't seem as painful or something I can't wait to be over. This year it seems beautiful. Not because brokenness isn't there and not because all my ducks are in a row, but because this year I can more clearly see how God's hand so tenderly reaches down to me and somehow it takes the attention off the wounded and ugly places. I'm overwhelmed with goodness and light and grace and beauty. Jesus changes things. I can't explain it, but He does. And it's one of the most beautiful things that I've experienced.
So did you ever get out of that parking space?
ReplyDeleteAnd what about the waffles at Christmas?
ReplyDelete