Babes, Illusions, and Changed Plans
In my teen years my dad loved to use the line, "Control is an illusion." He did a specific hand gesture and said it in a tone that you couldn't help but laugh at. I think it was liberating for him in a way; realizing that maybe we can't control everything in our lives creates some freedom. Obviously there are plenty of aspects in our lives that we can control. We can't run around blaming others or the universe or even God for how our lives turn out; we do have some sense of control. But over the year that we struggled to get pregnant with Nora I quickly learned that control is indeed an illusion in some instances of our lives.
That was a long year. Maybe it was more normal than I could see at the time; more and more young people seem to struggle to get pregnant these days. I was angry, I was frustrated, I cried, I drove myself crazy trying to control getting pregnant. I thought maybe having our own baby wasn't in the cards for us. Towards the end of that year I submitted to the concept that control is an illusion, and there was freedom in that. Was I still dying to get pregnant? Yes. Was I still frustrated that I couldn't control my own body? For sure. But I realized I couldn't do anything else, and I was at the mercy of God's timing and plan. I didn't want to demand my own way or have the joy of conception be ruined by my own sour attitude so I decided to relinquish control.
Side note: don't misunderstand what I just said. I didn't get pregnant because of my heart change; we got pregnant because God, in His goodness and grace, allowed us to get pregnant. We didn't earn it, and we didn't control it. We didn't conceive Nora because we had enough faith or trusted enough or because I submitted to something bigger than my own desire. That's not how God operates (despite the fact that too many people encouraged me to jump through spiritual hoops to obtain what I wanted). God's plan; it trumps the control we think we have over our lives.
Fast forward to this past spring and summer. We were content with Nora being our only biological child. We were at the tale end of becoming foster care certified and were ready to house one or more foster kids with the intention of adopting. We had our bases loaded, and we had a game plan. And then all of a sudden, "Control is an illusion." In case you didn't understand what that means, it means that one night at work I took a pregnancy test and found out I was knocked up. What? Wait a minute. We thought we were done. I didn't even know if I could get pregnant again. I thought foster care was the plan. Once again, in a different way, pregnancy is teaching me to submit to the bigger plan and to let go of this idea of control. Which is hard to do when you have an alien growing inside of you, making you want to barf every time you smell eggs or see wheat tortillas.
More than half of my first trimester was spent grieving the postponement of foster care, feeling resentful about the change in directions our family is taking, and bracing myself to feel guilty if there was no heart beat at our first appointment. We told some friends and family, and it was exciting at first. But then the new wore off, and I was just overwhelmed with the idea of being pregnant again, all the unknowns with my job situation, and by the idea of having two kids. I mean, sometimes I go to bed at 8:30 because my one, really great child, wears me out. But two? I needed a nap just thinking about it.
But over time and through encouraging conversations with various people, my heart began to change. And there's something about seeing your little Poppy Seed squirming around on screen that instantly melts your heart and makes you start a baby registry. Having another baby, especially in this time frame, wasn't in our plan. It seems like poor timing with Chris and I both starting new jobs within 3 months of each other, and it certainly threw a wrench in our foster care plans. But there's freedom when we relinquish control, and there's freedom in embracing a plan that you didn't make for yourself. Because sometimes that plan is the better one. And because control really is an illusion.
That was a long year. Maybe it was more normal than I could see at the time; more and more young people seem to struggle to get pregnant these days. I was angry, I was frustrated, I cried, I drove myself crazy trying to control getting pregnant. I thought maybe having our own baby wasn't in the cards for us. Towards the end of that year I submitted to the concept that control is an illusion, and there was freedom in that. Was I still dying to get pregnant? Yes. Was I still frustrated that I couldn't control my own body? For sure. But I realized I couldn't do anything else, and I was at the mercy of God's timing and plan. I didn't want to demand my own way or have the joy of conception be ruined by my own sour attitude so I decided to relinquish control.
Side note: don't misunderstand what I just said. I didn't get pregnant because of my heart change; we got pregnant because God, in His goodness and grace, allowed us to get pregnant. We didn't earn it, and we didn't control it. We didn't conceive Nora because we had enough faith or trusted enough or because I submitted to something bigger than my own desire. That's not how God operates (despite the fact that too many people encouraged me to jump through spiritual hoops to obtain what I wanted). God's plan; it trumps the control we think we have over our lives.
Fast forward to this past spring and summer. We were content with Nora being our only biological child. We were at the tale end of becoming foster care certified and were ready to house one or more foster kids with the intention of adopting. We had our bases loaded, and we had a game plan. And then all of a sudden, "Control is an illusion." In case you didn't understand what that means, it means that one night at work I took a pregnancy test and found out I was knocked up. What? Wait a minute. We thought we were done. I didn't even know if I could get pregnant again. I thought foster care was the plan. Once again, in a different way, pregnancy is teaching me to submit to the bigger plan and to let go of this idea of control. Which is hard to do when you have an alien growing inside of you, making you want to barf every time you smell eggs or see wheat tortillas.
More than half of my first trimester was spent grieving the postponement of foster care, feeling resentful about the change in directions our family is taking, and bracing myself to feel guilty if there was no heart beat at our first appointment. We told some friends and family, and it was exciting at first. But then the new wore off, and I was just overwhelmed with the idea of being pregnant again, all the unknowns with my job situation, and by the idea of having two kids. I mean, sometimes I go to bed at 8:30 because my one, really great child, wears me out. But two? I needed a nap just thinking about it.
But over time and through encouraging conversations with various people, my heart began to change. And there's something about seeing your little Poppy Seed squirming around on screen that instantly melts your heart and makes you start a baby registry. Having another baby, especially in this time frame, wasn't in our plan. It seems like poor timing with Chris and I both starting new jobs within 3 months of each other, and it certainly threw a wrench in our foster care plans. But there's freedom when we relinquish control, and there's freedom in embracing a plan that you didn't make for yourself. Because sometimes that plan is the better one. And because control really is an illusion.
Baby Poppy Seed is due somewhere around March 23.
Control is an illusion, freedom is reality is the complete saying. And it does sound better with hand jestures and spooky voice inflection.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I said was if God told us the future we wouldn't believe it anyway.
It is such a blessing to see your spiritual growth and maturity as I read your blog.
If I had it to do over again I would have prayed more for my kids as they were growing up. Fortunately we have a God that knows our hearts even when we don't formally pray.
Side note: Finally made the blog!
So very proud of you.
Poppop