It's Not About the Duggars.
I don't love writing in response to news stories. It's not my style, and frankly I think there are too many blogs that follow that method, and I grow tired of reading one more person's opinion about the latest hot topic. But I can't not write about the recent news stories about the Duggars. Not because I have something to say that no one else has said and not because I think I'm more right than the next person. But because I have all these feelings in my heart and all these thoughts in my head that need to pour out, and somehow I just want to be heard.
When I first read about the sex scandal, I was a little shocked. It popped up on my Facebook news feed, and I was hoping it wouldn't have any validity. But as the evening went on more news stories kept appearing, and it became obvious that it wasn't an unvalidated rumor. A heavy weight came over me, and I felt incredibly sad. Usually when I hear stories like this I immediately become mad, but this time all I wanted to do was cry. Our world is so broken; I'll never understand this kind of depravity and somehow I don't want to. It breaks my heart that boys and girls fall prey to this kind of abuse, and it breaks my heart that such brokenness and darkness exists in the hearts of people who abuse other people. Things just felt so overwhelming and messed up, and then I started thinking about the world we're raising our daughter in, and I could hardly stand my sadness. And then I got back on Facebook. I started reading status' and comments to articles and blogs posted. That's when I got angry.
Sexual abuse is a tender topic. You could literally throw a coin and hit someone who has been been directly affected by sexual abuse, and you would never know it. These men and women carry their secrets, their scars, and their stories deep inside their souls. And then people get on Facebook and start writing about things with a shocking lack of sensitivity. People were getting into battles about whether pedophiles can change and do they deserve forgiveness, about TLC canceling 19 Kids and Counting and whether or not they support the Duggar family, about the normalcy of sexual abuse ("all boys and men have sexual urges"....say what?!?), and the list goes on. People were spouting off their opinions and their words like they didn't have any weight. A definite con of social media. We think we don't have to take ownership for our word vomit and abrupt, unrefined thoughts, and so much damage takes place. But that's another blog for another day. When we don't take careful time to respond to situations like this one often the lines are blurred, and we lose sight of the real issues.
Not to be insensitive myself, but who gives a rip about TLC cancelling that show? There are more important things to do with our time than to watch TV, and if that's the hardest thing that happens in someone's week then I'd say they're doing pretty good. And here I'll stop myself from engaging in the petty things that easily distract us from the real issues. It's really not about the Duggars. It's not about whether or not pedophiles can change, and it's not about everyone's opinion about the situation (a situation that's true details will never really be known to us). This whole mess is an opportunity to shed light on an issue that's uncomfortable, that's painful, that easily takes a back seat to so many other issues. It's an issue that affects 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys. It's an issue that doesn't discriminate.
For a society that lets it all hang out, we turn the dial down pretty fast when we hear the term "sexual abuse." I get it. I really do. It's a hard topic that evokes a lot of feelings, but we can't keep dodging the bullet and sticking our heads in the sand. Instead of fighting over Facebook feeds, let's take an opportunity to learn and grow, to listen and to stop shoving our feet in our mouths.
I think the first thing to realize from this scandal is sexual abuse happens even in Christian communities. The world was shocked at the headlines...surely not a Duggar, but we are crazy naive if we think that sexual abuse keeps itself hidden from the church. When we have our eyes tightly shut to dangers like sexual abuse is when we are most vulnerable. We must open our eyes wide. We shouldn't necessarily be suspicious of every person we encounter, but we have to be aware. Pay attention. Be cautious and think critically about the situations we lead our kids into.
Be proactive and have a plan. Chris and I have had so many conversations on how to break the cycle of abuse in our family to keep it from affecting Nora. We decided sleepovers aren't on the docket for our kids (I'm sure I'll get the mom of the year award for this at some point), we're super selective about our babysitters, bedroom and playroom doors stay open, we'll have extra boundaries when we get a foster child or if Nora ever gets a brother, and we've already started having age appropriate conversations with Nora about privacy and boundaries surrounding her body. Kids often get caught off guard in abusive situations, and they don't know how to respond. Let's equip our kids and open the door for them to talk to us.
Let's have conversations with each other. I was abused in early elementary school and didn't tell my parents until I was 13. I spent most of my adolescence isolated and hurting, not knowing how to communicate about this area of my life. Last April I wrote a blog post sharing this part of my story, and it blew the doors off of the shame and secrecy I had been bound by for so long. It reaffirmed my belief that Satan holds us captivate in our secrets, and when we shed light on the dark corners of our hearts, stories, or world that evil somehow loses some of its power. Empowerment happens when we share our stories, when we hear the stories of others, and when we can join together to bring about positive change. Let's shed some light on sexual abuse by talking about it, by educating ourselves about it and those it affects, and by doing our part to help prevent it.
One last thought. As I think about the Duggars, I really am sad for them. How can you be prepared to deal with your son molesting other young women, allegedly your own daughters? From everything I've read, their responses fell short; the church acted poorly and so did authorities. Consequences were negated, and the victims were left with a simple apology. But we can't know exactly what actually happened, and our opinions won't change the reality of the past. What we do know is this: that Josh Duggar is a human, broken and flawed. We have this idea that pedophiles are creepy old men who live in broken down houses on the corner, but they're not. They'll people, not monsters. They are broken and need saving just like everyone. When we dehumanize people based on their sin, we forget that Jesus can reach even the darkest, marred heart. When I mention forgiveness for people like Josh Duggar, I'm not trying to slap a bandaid on a gushing wound. I think to really embrace the concept of forgiveness here, we first have to sit in the destruction of sexual abuse. It devastates. It chews away at souls, and it can swallow someone from the inside out. It's horrible and life altering. No one likes to sit in the weightiness of sin. It feels dirty and harsh and consuming, but we can't appreciate the glory of Easter morning if we pass over Good Friday. Good Friday points to the weightiness of our sin. We all contributed to hanging Jesus on that cross, but I am so deeply thankful for a God that broke the chains of sin to bring redemption to our souls.
Hearts don't always change; more times than not perpetrators continue to victimize and abuse. It's reality, and I refuse to pretend that a simple apology and prayer time can change that. BUT the great thing about Jesus is that even the dirtiest heart has the opportunity to change. It's not our business to decided whether or not a person's heart has transformed, and it's definitely not beneficial to fight about it over Facebook. But in such a dark and sometimes consuming world, I am thankful that I have a hope that anchors my soul, and that I can cling to His justice, His peace, His healing, His redemption, and His goodness. And now for a good, cathartic cry.
When I first read about the sex scandal, I was a little shocked. It popped up on my Facebook news feed, and I was hoping it wouldn't have any validity. But as the evening went on more news stories kept appearing, and it became obvious that it wasn't an unvalidated rumor. A heavy weight came over me, and I felt incredibly sad. Usually when I hear stories like this I immediately become mad, but this time all I wanted to do was cry. Our world is so broken; I'll never understand this kind of depravity and somehow I don't want to. It breaks my heart that boys and girls fall prey to this kind of abuse, and it breaks my heart that such brokenness and darkness exists in the hearts of people who abuse other people. Things just felt so overwhelming and messed up, and then I started thinking about the world we're raising our daughter in, and I could hardly stand my sadness. And then I got back on Facebook. I started reading status' and comments to articles and blogs posted. That's when I got angry.
Sexual abuse is a tender topic. You could literally throw a coin and hit someone who has been been directly affected by sexual abuse, and you would never know it. These men and women carry their secrets, their scars, and their stories deep inside their souls. And then people get on Facebook and start writing about things with a shocking lack of sensitivity. People were getting into battles about whether pedophiles can change and do they deserve forgiveness, about TLC canceling 19 Kids and Counting and whether or not they support the Duggar family, about the normalcy of sexual abuse ("all boys and men have sexual urges"....say what?!?), and the list goes on. People were spouting off their opinions and their words like they didn't have any weight. A definite con of social media. We think we don't have to take ownership for our word vomit and abrupt, unrefined thoughts, and so much damage takes place. But that's another blog for another day. When we don't take careful time to respond to situations like this one often the lines are blurred, and we lose sight of the real issues.
Not to be insensitive myself, but who gives a rip about TLC cancelling that show? There are more important things to do with our time than to watch TV, and if that's the hardest thing that happens in someone's week then I'd say they're doing pretty good. And here I'll stop myself from engaging in the petty things that easily distract us from the real issues. It's really not about the Duggars. It's not about whether or not pedophiles can change, and it's not about everyone's opinion about the situation (a situation that's true details will never really be known to us). This whole mess is an opportunity to shed light on an issue that's uncomfortable, that's painful, that easily takes a back seat to so many other issues. It's an issue that affects 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys. It's an issue that doesn't discriminate.
For a society that lets it all hang out, we turn the dial down pretty fast when we hear the term "sexual abuse." I get it. I really do. It's a hard topic that evokes a lot of feelings, but we can't keep dodging the bullet and sticking our heads in the sand. Instead of fighting over Facebook feeds, let's take an opportunity to learn and grow, to listen and to stop shoving our feet in our mouths.
I think the first thing to realize from this scandal is sexual abuse happens even in Christian communities. The world was shocked at the headlines...surely not a Duggar, but we are crazy naive if we think that sexual abuse keeps itself hidden from the church. When we have our eyes tightly shut to dangers like sexual abuse is when we are most vulnerable. We must open our eyes wide. We shouldn't necessarily be suspicious of every person we encounter, but we have to be aware. Pay attention. Be cautious and think critically about the situations we lead our kids into.
Be proactive and have a plan. Chris and I have had so many conversations on how to break the cycle of abuse in our family to keep it from affecting Nora. We decided sleepovers aren't on the docket for our kids (I'm sure I'll get the mom of the year award for this at some point), we're super selective about our babysitters, bedroom and playroom doors stay open, we'll have extra boundaries when we get a foster child or if Nora ever gets a brother, and we've already started having age appropriate conversations with Nora about privacy and boundaries surrounding her body. Kids often get caught off guard in abusive situations, and they don't know how to respond. Let's equip our kids and open the door for them to talk to us.
Let's have conversations with each other. I was abused in early elementary school and didn't tell my parents until I was 13. I spent most of my adolescence isolated and hurting, not knowing how to communicate about this area of my life. Last April I wrote a blog post sharing this part of my story, and it blew the doors off of the shame and secrecy I had been bound by for so long. It reaffirmed my belief that Satan holds us captivate in our secrets, and when we shed light on the dark corners of our hearts, stories, or world that evil somehow loses some of its power. Empowerment happens when we share our stories, when we hear the stories of others, and when we can join together to bring about positive change. Let's shed some light on sexual abuse by talking about it, by educating ourselves about it and those it affects, and by doing our part to help prevent it.
One last thought. As I think about the Duggars, I really am sad for them. How can you be prepared to deal with your son molesting other young women, allegedly your own daughters? From everything I've read, their responses fell short; the church acted poorly and so did authorities. Consequences were negated, and the victims were left with a simple apology. But we can't know exactly what actually happened, and our opinions won't change the reality of the past. What we do know is this: that Josh Duggar is a human, broken and flawed. We have this idea that pedophiles are creepy old men who live in broken down houses on the corner, but they're not. They'll people, not monsters. They are broken and need saving just like everyone. When we dehumanize people based on their sin, we forget that Jesus can reach even the darkest, marred heart. When I mention forgiveness for people like Josh Duggar, I'm not trying to slap a bandaid on a gushing wound. I think to really embrace the concept of forgiveness here, we first have to sit in the destruction of sexual abuse. It devastates. It chews away at souls, and it can swallow someone from the inside out. It's horrible and life altering. No one likes to sit in the weightiness of sin. It feels dirty and harsh and consuming, but we can't appreciate the glory of Easter morning if we pass over Good Friday. Good Friday points to the weightiness of our sin. We all contributed to hanging Jesus on that cross, but I am so deeply thankful for a God that broke the chains of sin to bring redemption to our souls.
Hearts don't always change; more times than not perpetrators continue to victimize and abuse. It's reality, and I refuse to pretend that a simple apology and prayer time can change that. BUT the great thing about Jesus is that even the dirtiest heart has the opportunity to change. It's not our business to decided whether or not a person's heart has transformed, and it's definitely not beneficial to fight about it over Facebook. But in such a dark and sometimes consuming world, I am thankful that I have a hope that anchors my soul, and that I can cling to His justice, His peace, His healing, His redemption, and His goodness. And now for a good, cathartic cry.
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