Desperate Walks, Scabs, and Grace
Sunday was a "blah" kind of day. I couldn't stand to be around myself. I was overwhelmed by my own judgement of others, and negativity was swarming in my head and seemed unrelenting. When I couldn't take it anymore, I put Nora in her car seat, grabbed the leash, put on my tennis shoes and headed out with baby and dog in tow. While I walked around a small lake, I had the opportunity to slow down, breathe, and take in some peace and calm. I started dissecting the why behind my heart condition and found that behind all that judgment and anger were specific wounds.
Loss in one form or another seems to be something that keeps lingering. Distant losses seem to accompany me lately, and recent losses add insult to injury. Relational losses or brokenness have been heavy on my heart, and I ache for grace for my own wrongdoing and a simply apology for when I have been wounded. I wish relationships weren't so hard. I constantly fight the urge to pin point the flaws of others and to keep my eyes on my own thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. It's too easy to scoff at others and count all the ways in which I am better. And I'm back to not being able to stand myself, and so the cycle continues.
I am realizing the difficulty in letting go. I can't control others; I can't make them change; and I can't keep holding onto what I wish was so. I am faced with having to mourn those losses and move on. As I continue to learn more about grace, I strive so desperately to extend it in a way that I wish I was receiving it. Some days are better than others. It's hard to give the benefit of the doubt and to veer away from assumptions. It's hard not to get caught up in my own hurts and continue to rip the scabs off wounds that are trying to heal. I want to let go and not cling so tightly to the things that have caused too many tears and too much bitterness.
I want these losses and hurts to propel me forward. I want to learn from them and allow them to cultivate something new in my heart. I don't want to get stuck in a cycle that cause me to hide grace from others and from myself. I want to be gracious. I want to be a devoted friend. I want to be a partner who loves my husband eternally and puts his well being above my own happiness. I want to be a mom who teaches Nora by my behavior and not just my words. I want to be someone that tries everyday to live according to what she says she believes and then falls on grace on days when she miserably fails. I want to be willing to be changed even when it's painful and costs something. I want something different, something new.
So for today, I let my wounds begin to close up. I sit on my hands, unwilling to let them pick at scabs of losses, and I allow this anger and judgement to begin to dissipate. I keep my eyes on the things only I can control, and I make a choice to move towards something new and better. And I take this opportunity to let grace change me.
Loss in one form or another seems to be something that keeps lingering. Distant losses seem to accompany me lately, and recent losses add insult to injury. Relational losses or brokenness have been heavy on my heart, and I ache for grace for my own wrongdoing and a simply apology for when I have been wounded. I wish relationships weren't so hard. I constantly fight the urge to pin point the flaws of others and to keep my eyes on my own thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. It's too easy to scoff at others and count all the ways in which I am better. And I'm back to not being able to stand myself, and so the cycle continues.
I am realizing the difficulty in letting go. I can't control others; I can't make them change; and I can't keep holding onto what I wish was so. I am faced with having to mourn those losses and move on. As I continue to learn more about grace, I strive so desperately to extend it in a way that I wish I was receiving it. Some days are better than others. It's hard to give the benefit of the doubt and to veer away from assumptions. It's hard not to get caught up in my own hurts and continue to rip the scabs off wounds that are trying to heal. I want to let go and not cling so tightly to the things that have caused too many tears and too much bitterness.
I want these losses and hurts to propel me forward. I want to learn from them and allow them to cultivate something new in my heart. I don't want to get stuck in a cycle that cause me to hide grace from others and from myself. I want to be gracious. I want to be a devoted friend. I want to be a partner who loves my husband eternally and puts his well being above my own happiness. I want to be a mom who teaches Nora by my behavior and not just my words. I want to be someone that tries everyday to live according to what she says she believes and then falls on grace on days when she miserably fails. I want to be willing to be changed even when it's painful and costs something. I want something different, something new.
So for today, I let my wounds begin to close up. I sit on my hands, unwilling to let them pick at scabs of losses, and I allow this anger and judgement to begin to dissipate. I keep my eyes on the things only I can control, and I make a choice to move towards something new and better. And I take this opportunity to let grace change me.
And sometimes basking in the joy of what you have helps to soothe the longing of something lost.
Comments
Post a Comment