Hanging Burdens on my Heart.
On days like this I know my perspective is skewed. I know that things seem dimmer than is reality, and that hope is more real than it appears. But today so many heavy things hang themselves on my heart, and I am exhausted.
I feel numb in a sense; a heart can only hurt so much. Sometimes I wonder if life will always feel this hard. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. There are no guarantees in life; a hard fact I am discovering lately. I feel as though I am surrounded by situations in which I have no control yet am affected greatly. I have voiced my thoughts, feelings, convictions, concerns, and yet I seem to be where I first started. A phrase I often heard growing up was, "You can't control anyone but yourself." A phrase that was just as frustrating then as it is now. This painful yet real lesson is causing me much grief these days. It's not so much that I want to control other people and their decisions, it's just that other people and their decisions seem to be ripping my heart out lately.
Maybe this is coming from a place of being exhausted. Sleep is a long lost friend these days and so is my spouse. No amount of help and support can replace his presence in my life on a daily basis. Maybe it has to do with my recent thyroid malfunction and the beginnings of mastitis. Maybe it comes from a stark realization that the concept of family doesn't hold the same meaning that it used to. Or maybe it just comes from a day where my pessimistic attitude took over.
I'm sure in the light of day my optimism will return or at least I won't feel overcome by every hardship with which I am struggling. Somewhere deep in my heart maybe I know that things won't always be this hard. Or maybe I'll learn how not to let them hang themselves on my heart so easily. Maybe I'll learn how to tuck them away and not let them loom so heavily in my everydays.
In this moment, I will count my blessings. I will listen to the squeals and laughs of my sweet Nora and soak in beauty of my life. This doesn't undo the hurt or make me feel any less burdened. It just gives the good the opportunity to float to the top and resonate for awhile. And I need that.
I feel numb in a sense; a heart can only hurt so much. Sometimes I wonder if life will always feel this hard. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. There are no guarantees in life; a hard fact I am discovering lately. I feel as though I am surrounded by situations in which I have no control yet am affected greatly. I have voiced my thoughts, feelings, convictions, concerns, and yet I seem to be where I first started. A phrase I often heard growing up was, "You can't control anyone but yourself." A phrase that was just as frustrating then as it is now. This painful yet real lesson is causing me much grief these days. It's not so much that I want to control other people and their decisions, it's just that other people and their decisions seem to be ripping my heart out lately.
Maybe this is coming from a place of being exhausted. Sleep is a long lost friend these days and so is my spouse. No amount of help and support can replace his presence in my life on a daily basis. Maybe it has to do with my recent thyroid malfunction and the beginnings of mastitis. Maybe it comes from a stark realization that the concept of family doesn't hold the same meaning that it used to. Or maybe it just comes from a day where my pessimistic attitude took over.
I'm sure in the light of day my optimism will return or at least I won't feel overcome by every hardship with which I am struggling. Somewhere deep in my heart maybe I know that things won't always be this hard. Or maybe I'll learn how not to let them hang themselves on my heart so easily. Maybe I'll learn how to tuck them away and not let them loom so heavily in my everydays.
In this moment, I will count my blessings. I will listen to the squeals and laughs of my sweet Nora and soak in beauty of my life. This doesn't undo the hurt or make me feel any less burdened. It just gives the good the opportunity to float to the top and resonate for awhile. And I need that.
A few of my favorite things.
Comments
Post a Comment