Word Vomit and Scrambled Thoughts
It's been one of those mornings. When you wake up and everything you could possibly feel heaviness in your heart for is right on the surface. I sit here with a breakfast of Blue Bell in my belly, a baggy sweat shirt hugging my body, a tired pooch on one side, and a snoozing baby on the other. I have so many conflicting feelings and thoughts circulating in my head, and I need to drop them off somewhere.
It's funny that I'm 26 years old, have been a follower of Jesus for as long as I can remember, and sometimes I feel like I don't know where to begin. I should have that relationship down. I should know how to practice my beliefs, say my prayers, and walk in a way that reflects who I follow. But today I feel like a beginner, somehow not knowing where to start or feeling inept when I do.
I realize more and more how hard I am on myself. I struggle to ask for what I need, to accept help even when it's offered, and often feel like I'm not good enough in more ways than one. I am keenly aware of the pull between my human depravity and the ideas of grace, love, compassion, and kindness. How do I keep myself healthy and set good boundaries while also loving other people well? How do I maneuver through muddy waters and balance so many various aspects of life? I feel so torn in so many directions. It's not that I know what's right but struggle to follow through, it's that I don't even know what the right thing to do is. I feel an unpleasant pressure to keep people happy, which makes me frustrated at myself. I deeply desire to "be all things to all people," but somehow I feel like I can't win no matter what I do.
On days like these, I simply want to crawl in my bed and watch endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Parenthood, or What Not to Wear. I want to pretend like the outside world doesn't exist and that it's pressures, problems, and evils are as far away from me as possible. But a dependent baby, pressing homework and tasks for schools, and a dirty bathroom remind me that tucking myself away isn't possible right now.
Maybe some days I need a long to do list to keep me moving. Maybe the tasks of today are more blessing than I realize. Maybe my obligations keep me afloat on days where I want to quit. Although I feel a little less chaotic, writing the last few paragraphs doesn't answer some deep questions in my heart or solve the problems that seem to linger in my life, and I can't wrap everything up in a neat bow. And frankly, life just doesn't work that way. But for today, I will keep my baggy sweat shirt on, stay out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other. And maybe have some more Blue Bell before it's all over.
It's funny that I'm 26 years old, have been a follower of Jesus for as long as I can remember, and sometimes I feel like I don't know where to begin. I should have that relationship down. I should know how to practice my beliefs, say my prayers, and walk in a way that reflects who I follow. But today I feel like a beginner, somehow not knowing where to start or feeling inept when I do.
I realize more and more how hard I am on myself. I struggle to ask for what I need, to accept help even when it's offered, and often feel like I'm not good enough in more ways than one. I am keenly aware of the pull between my human depravity and the ideas of grace, love, compassion, and kindness. How do I keep myself healthy and set good boundaries while also loving other people well? How do I maneuver through muddy waters and balance so many various aspects of life? I feel so torn in so many directions. It's not that I know what's right but struggle to follow through, it's that I don't even know what the right thing to do is. I feel an unpleasant pressure to keep people happy, which makes me frustrated at myself. I deeply desire to "be all things to all people," but somehow I feel like I can't win no matter what I do.
On days like these, I simply want to crawl in my bed and watch endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Parenthood, or What Not to Wear. I want to pretend like the outside world doesn't exist and that it's pressures, problems, and evils are as far away from me as possible. But a dependent baby, pressing homework and tasks for schools, and a dirty bathroom remind me that tucking myself away isn't possible right now.
Maybe some days I need a long to do list to keep me moving. Maybe the tasks of today are more blessing than I realize. Maybe my obligations keep me afloat on days where I want to quit. Although I feel a little less chaotic, writing the last few paragraphs doesn't answer some deep questions in my heart or solve the problems that seem to linger in my life, and I can't wrap everything up in a neat bow. And frankly, life just doesn't work that way. But for today, I will keep my baggy sweat shirt on, stay out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other. And maybe have some more Blue Bell before it's all over.
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