Tired, Growing, and...Tired

I am tired. Since the beginning of last fall it seems that we've been confronted with heartache after crisis after loss. Within our families there has been sexual trauma, the breakdown and breakup of marriage, and the announcement of serious illness. In addition to those things we have been faced with normal life issues with our car, the loss and realignment of friendships, and the sensation of loneliness. Throw some morning sickness and pregnancy hormones on that, and I'm tired.

Over the last few months I have found myself stretched and grown, tired and weary. I can see where God has truly challenged me to offer grace to others when I feel like it has not been extended to me, and He has graciously opened my eyes to see where I have true support and love. When I am disappointed by the lack of love, support, grace, or even friendship in specific areas of my life, I am finding that God has provided those things in unexpected areas. I see where God is stripping away things from my life to make room for new ones, and even though that has been a painful process I can sense the peace and goodness of this new place.

I thought that when we finally became pregnant with this baby that our life would stop and revolve the occurrence. Maybe this sounds silly and honestly, I didn't even realize this belief until recently, but we can't step into reality unless we acknowledge the illusions we create. I am 23 weeks pregnant, and surprise! things don't revolve around this pregnancy or baby. Life has still continued on, school and work did not disappear (nor did my house chores...whomp whomp), and the joy of this baby doesn't trump the heartache that Chris and I have felt since the fall.

Things have stabilized recently and have felt more calm. We've been able to retreat and find our footing, cling to each other and the Lord, and navigate through the craziness of life. As we were talking through a possible transition last night, I began to become emotional (surprise, surprise...well, Chris was not surprised actually...he rarely is). I began to talk through the changes that will come in June when baby girl is born, and I became to verbalize some of my fears. What if it's not what we thought it would be? What if how hard it is isn't outweighed by the goodness of it? What if our whole life changes, and Chris and I lose each other in it all? What if we regret the decision after so much longing for it?

Change is coming, and that thought makes me tired. But even as I sit here typing I feel our little girl flipping and kicking, growing and preparing to make her way to us in less than 4 months. I know that this child, at this time is what is supposed to be. I know that God has people in our life who love us, support us, pray for us, and will be there every step of the way through this new journey of ours. I know that even when life is out of control and it's breaking your heart deeper than you ever thought possible, that stability and peace are possible. I know that I am never alone even when I feel it, and that I have a spouse who couldn't be or feel closer to me in this life. I know that this baby won't solve our problems or change the things that currently grieve us, but I know she will bring such joy and change our lives in so many good ways. I know that we will feel a love that we've never felt before, and that she will join us in the journey of growing and sometimes stumbling our way through life. I know that I will be tired come June, but I anticipate that it will be the best kind of tired that I will ever have felt.