Christmas, Imperfection, and Heartache.
As the holidays begin to unravel before us all, the thought of family and sentiment come to the front of my mind. For a long time I hated Christmas; I was the scrooge that "bah humbugged" on everyone else so to speak. It was a running joke for a long time, but eventually I began to consider what it was that actually made me feel this way. When I got down to the root of my feelings during this time of year, I realized that it was rooted in a cultural and societal expectation of perfection. Christmas represented a time where everything was supposed to be in order, looking presentable to others, and perfect in every regard. I struggled with this because I was keenly aware that my family was anything but perfect, and not even the illusion of perfection within my family existed. I didn't hate Christmas; I hated that this time of year shined a light so bright on the dysfunction and painful elements of my family. I resented that Christmas had become a time where people pretend that everything was okay when things might be unraveling or crumbling. It didn't feel real or genuine to me at all.
There seems to be no end to relational challenges in life. Of course, this is natural when you pile together people who are full of imperfections, insecurities, and brokenness. This year I find myself tempted to become resentful once again towards Christmas. I find myself brokenhearted over new broken relationships within my family, and it is beginning to taint Christmas in my own heart.
As I was in the car earlier today, I was thinking about what Christmas in Texas would like. I was wrestling with feelings of disappointment, anxiety, and sadness. And then I realized something. Christmas isn't about family. It isn't about relationships, and really it isn't about us. Christmas represents with most certainty a pillar in God's plan to redeem us and save us from our brokenness. This time of year is about adjusting our focus from our own lives (the good, bad, and the ugly) to more appropriately remembering and reflecting upon the tender way that Jesus entered our world in order to walk a life of example, to walk a path that led to a cross that served as the route to save our souls.
I still find myself sitting in grief over how things are shaping up. Heartache is a natural part of this life that feels anything but natural and to sit in that heartache can be challenge in and of itself. As we move into the Christmas season, if I am being honest, I feel sad. A Christmas tree and carols won't trump the reality of difficulty and sorrow, but I am understanding that this doesn't have to be my focus. My focus will be on something bigger than myself and my own circumstances. This Christmas I choose to acknowledge the imperfections that exist in light of a story that brings hope, redemption, and salvation. The story of Christmas doesn't encourage the repress of imperfection; it acknowledges it and provides a solution to it.
During this holiday season, I am thankful for the opportunity to be real and honest. I am thankful that I am not required to push down my feelings in order to look nice and pretty for Christmas. I am thankful that I can come, just as I am, at the feet of a Savior who understands, accepts, heals, and loves.
There seems to be no end to relational challenges in life. Of course, this is natural when you pile together people who are full of imperfections, insecurities, and brokenness. This year I find myself tempted to become resentful once again towards Christmas. I find myself brokenhearted over new broken relationships within my family, and it is beginning to taint Christmas in my own heart.
As I was in the car earlier today, I was thinking about what Christmas in Texas would like. I was wrestling with feelings of disappointment, anxiety, and sadness. And then I realized something. Christmas isn't about family. It isn't about relationships, and really it isn't about us. Christmas represents with most certainty a pillar in God's plan to redeem us and save us from our brokenness. This time of year is about adjusting our focus from our own lives (the good, bad, and the ugly) to more appropriately remembering and reflecting upon the tender way that Jesus entered our world in order to walk a life of example, to walk a path that led to a cross that served as the route to save our souls.
I still find myself sitting in grief over how things are shaping up. Heartache is a natural part of this life that feels anything but natural and to sit in that heartache can be challenge in and of itself. As we move into the Christmas season, if I am being honest, I feel sad. A Christmas tree and carols won't trump the reality of difficulty and sorrow, but I am understanding that this doesn't have to be my focus. My focus will be on something bigger than myself and my own circumstances. This Christmas I choose to acknowledge the imperfections that exist in light of a story that brings hope, redemption, and salvation. The story of Christmas doesn't encourage the repress of imperfection; it acknowledges it and provides a solution to it.
During this holiday season, I am thankful for the opportunity to be real and honest. I am thankful that I am not required to push down my feelings in order to look nice and pretty for Christmas. I am thankful that I can come, just as I am, at the feet of a Savior who understands, accepts, heals, and loves.
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